The Best News All Week

I'm in a little bit of a celebratory mood.

Not only did the surgery go well (and my nose is looking even better than it did yesterday), I got some good news regarding Moley.

On dissection, it was found to be an interdermal nevus, not basal cell carcinoma. So in other words, just a mole. (In the handy little reference I've linked above, it specifically mentions these nevi being mistaken for that type of skin cancer.)

It's a little bit of a happy ending to a stressful couple of weeks.

Still, you should wear your damn sunscreen. :)

Moley, Moley, Moley - Surgery Update - A Stitch In Time - The Best News All Week

A Stitch in Time...

Just a few shots of the healing process...

I did a few more self portraits 4 days post-op. You can really see that it has started to heal very nicely

Day 4 Crop

Day 4

You can see the marks that the bandages were leaving on my face. I was afraid that the rest of the skin around the site would start to break down, but luckily it did not.

Today I got the stitches out. My surgeon was very pleased with my progress. So am I; I can't believe it's the same nose.

7 days post-op

Complete with "after work shook out ponytail hair". Please do not feed the hair...

I was advised that none of the "scar reducing creams" would do any good. Instead, I should apply a moisturizer and stimulate the circulation in the area by rubbing it in small circles. Also, to ALWAYS WEAR SUNSCREEN and makeup with an SPF. Roger Wilco, Dr. Ma'am!

It still aches a bit (and having the stitches removed was not pleasant), but I'm glad that it's all over. I'm looking forward to what it will look like in 6 months or so. I'm also looking forward to maybe some pictures of myself with makeup on... Eek!

Moley, Moley, Moley - Surgery Update - A Stitch In Time - The Best News All Week

Surgery Update

Yesterday we bid adieu to the lump on my nose.

After almost missing my call in (I was zoned out listening to Dark Side of the Moon), they escorted me into one of the day surgery suites. Everything was going swimmingly... the surgeon drew all over my nose, we chatted... and then she shoved what felt like a tree trunk into my face.

I am no stranger to pain; I live with it daily. For the record, however, having the local anesthetic applied was the worst pain I have ever felt, bar none! Worse than the C section, worse than a tattoo, worse than the kidney stones... combined! When you get hit in the nose, you see stars; I saw through time. It was awful and lasted over a minute and a half. Thank goodness for Lamaze breathing and Bach! She slid the needle under the skin over and over, liposuction style and then jabbed it in my nose in various spots. Yeeeooowch! Once the blessed numbness came, the rest was a cakewalk.

I had a moist towel over my eyes to protect them from the light. It slipped a bit over my right eye, so I got to see most of the surgery. I chose to avoid the mole removal part, but was facsinated by the repositioning of bits of flesh to patch the hole. It was amazing to watch her needle flash as she created what is currently Franken-nose.

One day post-op. I dare you to post your blackheads on the internet...

I was out and down in MHESU calling home in less than 45 mins. Truly amazing. I was sporting (and will be for a while) one of those four-prong knuckle bandages on my nose. That's it.

I tried to take a few more raw self portraits this morning, if only for the sake of documentary. It was a bit challenging as my smile is still crooked due to the swelling (that, and I have yucky morning hair).

Ahhh... The harsh light of morning...

I go back to work tonight... so it should be interesting to see the reactions to the giant bandage on my nose. The official story is "bar fight". I may use "Pier six brawl" or "slobberknocker" as well.

Grrr! (The obligatory shot...)

I'm to keep Polysporin (and a bandage if I wish) on it until I see her next Tuesday to get the stitches out. It still aches a bit, but haven't taken any pain meds since last night. I'm sure I'll tuck my T3's into my purse for tonight, just in case. With any luck, it will be a quiet night.

Or at least, I won't get hit in the face...

Moley, Moley, Moley - Surgery Update - A Stitch In Time - The Best News All Week

Moley Moley Moley...

I'm sitting here at the computer, on my third Floyd Album, just trying to main-taaaiin.

It was a lousy weekend at work. The busy kind of lousy, not the dangerous or the incident ridden kind. Too many MHA apprehensions, too many crackheads. God, I love the crackheads; always a cheery smile and a flattering appraisal of you and your gifts. They are nature's way of keeping you humble, really. Now that its summer again, the rain keeps washing them up to the front door.

I looked at myself in the mirror when I got up today and saw an old woman. I've seen her before, in flashes, but Time is rapidly becoming that frienemy who tells y'all that my ass looks fat in these pants. My acne however, helps me keep my youthful glow. Ugh.

Since I had Quinn, the mole population on my body has exploded. Some are skin tags that my son helpfully rips off once and a while, some are sun damage spots. (Ok, a lot are sun damage spots. I spent many years a sun bunny and quite a few in tanning salons.) I've had a few moles for a long time, one of which started out as a small spot on my nose in my middle to late teens. For years, people mistook it for a piercing (including my own father, who, I will add, has a mole in the same spot). I really didn't spend too much time correcting them. I've even been known to dab a little sparkle on it before I go out. It has gotten noticibly larger over the last few years and I've toyed with the idea of getting it zapped off. Like everything else, it got sidelined for more important things.

A few weeks ago I lightly rubbed my itchy nose and my hand came away covered in blood. Upon examination, the mole had begun to tear away from my nose and was bleeding profusely. It healed pretty quickly, but I headed to my family doc to see if he could rip it off for good. If I missed it, I was gonna get that piercing.

My family doctor referred me to a plastic surgeon on the 19th, who took one look at it, measured it and sat down to have "the talk" with me. My mole, as it turns out, is not a mole. It is skin cancer. Specifically, basal cell carcinoma.

An honest self-portrait...

Now, in all fairness, to activate the logic based defense mechanisms, if you are going to get skin cancer, this is the one to get. It's generally non-invasive and usually easy to fix with surgery. The non-logic parts of my psyche would like to remind you that it is still cancer. They would also like to add that after the thyroid and the cervix, this would be my third brush with this word.

My plastic surgeon (I just love saying that) went on to describe some sort of flappy closure thing that they would do to fill in the hole with skin from the side of my nose. I told her at the time that I didn't care what she did as long as I didn't end up with Michael Jackson's nose. (Oh settle down, he was still using it at the time.) She added that it would probably take a very long time to heal, probably upwards to a year and that there would be a bump there and it could look like a small bit of swelling. She also added that if I had still been a smoker, it would probably never heal. Good to know.

So, tomorrow morning, I go to day surgery for a little bit and get it over with. I'm sure it will go fine and I'll spend the afternoon on painkillers eating KD and watching cartoons. I'm returning to work Wednesday night with a few exceptions. The surgeon was horrified (as people usually are) when she found out what I do for a living, so she added a few disclaimers. Stuff like "try not to bend too much", and my all time favourite, "Don't get hit in the face".

I'll try not to.

Moley, Moley, Moley - Surgery Update - A Stitch In Time - The Best News All Week

Comfort Levels

Been a while.

It hasn't been for lack of trying either... I've just been in one of those ruts lately where I slow down for a minute to catch my breath and what pops into my head really isn't worth repeating, especially in mixed company. Life, well, it's been a little too interesting lately to be comfortable.

I'm not one of those people that has to have everything tightly compartmentalized; those people tend to go down like the Titanic with every little bump. I usually try to go with the flow. However, when aspects from my life (or rather a relatives life) start spilling into my work life, it tends to make things more than a little uncomfortable. That generally causes my work life to overflow into my home life again and it becomes quite a vicious circle. There has been much consternation as of late... sleep has been lost, doughnuts have been consumed... its been a mess.

There always has to be one of those moments that comes so out of the blue, it leaves you scratching your head. (Why is that?) Mine came in the form of a paranoid former colleague (and supposed friend) who gave me a verbal spanking for attempting to do my job (my mistake, evidently was using it as an excuse to chat up old "friends"). I'm not going to pretend to understand where this person is coming from, and to be honest am not interested in doing so. I just know that her little diatribe really hurt my feelings... but, if the truth be told I shouldn't be surprised. If you keep a vicious old dog, one day it will bite you.

One can't overlook the usual suspects as well: fatigue, lack of money, unpacking woes, family stress... it all adds up. I talk to so many people in a day and am the bearer of so much information that I feel cluttered. It's as if all that energy sticks to me like velcro and weighs me down. I can feel it as I walk, like I'm covered in a million post-it notes. You can almost see them flapping in the breeze some days, I swear. It's an awful feeling, one that makes me quite isolative.

To keep the boogums at bay (and it has been a dreadfully long winter), I've been finding much solace in my garden planning. Although I don't have a lot of money at the moment, I'm also spending a lot of time online looking for pieces/solutions/stuff for the house. This has really helped, actually, as I can now budget and plan for these purchases and I know I have just the right thing, instead of picking something up and finding a better one down the road. Its just having the patience to save up for it. I've found a third project to round things out a bit: Quinn's birthday party. Since I may have only a few minutes a day to think about these things, I've taken to carrying a soft covered binder with me; my "project book". That way, if I come up with something while I'm at work, I can jot it down for later or spend a few moments of my "break" time contemplating something organized. That helps tremendously with that cluttered feeling.

Things are brightening over all, however. Every day seems a little better, as the days are longer and warmer. I went out into my garden on Saturday and was delighted to see little green things poking through the soil. I have no idea what will grow in the existing gardens this year, so its a bit like Christmas... but without the eye tic. The air is fresher and full of promise and my lawn is greener every day. I have a brand new leaf rake and some pruners. The first warm day this week, when the grass is not too wet and I'm not working that night, you'll find me in the yard, raking and pruning. That will go a long way to shake the "psychic clutter" that I've accumulated lately as well. Physically I'm much improved; I now am only out of breath when I go from the basement to the top floor. That was a big milestone. I'm also a few pounds lighter, and plan to be much more so in the coming months.

The trick, as always, is in the balance.

Now, if I can only find something to help me cope with all this salad...

Rediscovering Simple Pleasures

Three days before Christmas, I was sitting at my desk at work trying to remain calm as my heart decided to skip a beat every so often.

As you know, the days leading up to that point were pretty full. New house, new job... Christmas obligations looming on the horizon. I was still recovering from a nasty flu bug that would not go away; it had been over two weeks and I was still having symptoms. The first Christmas dinner with my family in my new home had gone without a hitch and there were three more days to go before Santa. Sure, there were presents to wrap, last minute shopping to do, but the big stuff was over with.

There I was though, quietly doing my charting as my patients rested, and my heart felt like it did a somersault in my chest. I barely had enough time to look down and go "what the....?" when it did it again. And again. And again.

The next while would prove interesting as my symptoms worsened. I was guaranteed a bout of PVC's every half hour or so, the sensations ranging from "ginger ale" to "baby roll over". You mothers out there who remember what it felt like for an almost full term baby to do a complete roll will have the best understanding, as that is exactly what it felt like. Only it was in my chest and accompanied by a sinking, disembodied feeling. It was creepy. Caffeine, alcohol, chocolate were all on the verboten list, which is a helluva thing to say to a person during the holidays. I made the mistake of sneaking a thimbleful of sherry on Christmas Eve only to lay awake most of the night as my heart freaked out. Up until a couple weeks ago, I would wake up and cough as the fluid collected in my lungs as I slept. My extremities were cold, I always seemed to be huffing and puffing, I was tired all the time and my fingernail beds were a lovely shade of mauve... I was a mess. The ER doc who saw me suggested that it was maybe a viral myocarditis brought on by my recent flu.

In the last two months I've had a slew of tests and I'm very thankful that they have not shown any permanent damage or structural problems of note with my heart. I wasn't too thrilled with the noncommittal attitude of my cardiologist, but I've been given medical clearance to go back to work. It's not a moment too soon either; I've started to get my energy back in the last few weeks and I've gotten a really bad case of cabin fever. I've also been missing all those shift premiums on my paycheques and at a couple hundred bucks a cheque, it's made a bit of a dent in our lifestyle, to say the least.

I'm still to eschew caffeine and if the other day is any example, alcohol and chocolate might as well still be on the no-no list. My stairs are still causing me to get a little out of breath, but that too is easing slowly. My biggest challenge (as always) will be stress, but I have a new approach that seems to be working.

One night in January, when we were out at Chapters picking up my copy of Square Foot Gardening for my upcoming garden project (and Pete and Pickles for Quinn), I wandered over to the sale table. There I found a cute little piece of fluff called Simple Pleasures: Soothing Suggestions and Small Comforts for Living Well Year Round. What the hell, I thought... it was marked down to $3.99.

The book offers inspirational quotes and quite the little collection of "favourite things". It's also divided into seasons, offering timely suggestions for when the weather gets you down. Its worth lies in the overall theme of slowing down to take in what is around you; to enjoy the little details that make it all worth it. It was a timely find on the discount table for me, that is for sure. Simple Pleasures came to me at the perfect point, just as the illness was receding but when I still didn't have the energy to do very much at all. It was a relaxing bit of fluff that allowed me to really enjoy planning my garden and to rediscover cooking and baking. My family has been treated to some wonderful meals in the last few weeks.

Have you ever made soup? I've made lots of soups and stews over the years, but it generally involves me quickly dumping a bunch of ingredients in a pot and hoping for the best. I make my own broth, so it was definitly a simple pleasures experience the other day as I emptied all the frozen broth containers from the freezer into "the big pot" and melted them down. Over the next hour I heated them all to a boil and then cooled them slightly to skim off the fat. I then worked my way through the ingredients, chopping and adding each to the pot individually and marvelling at the flavour that each added. I made a pleasurable experience out of making simple stick-to-your-ribs food, yet the care I took came across in the flavour. My family were very pleased with it and we look forward to the containers that we put in the freezer for the weeks to come.

I go back to work tomorrow. Luckily, it is a holiday and the following day only an eight hour shift (followed by two off), so I get a chance to ease back into it. They say that everything happens for a reason; I'm hoping that this episode has been to remind me once again of what is important. It has certainly given me some insight. To be honest, I'm not sure how or where I will incorporate these ideas into a busy day in the ER... but as I glance out my french doors into the sunshine and listen to the birds sing for a moment... I know I'll figure it out.

25 Random Things About Me

(For Facebook)

Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you.

(To do this, go to "notes" under tabs on your profile page, paste these instructions in the body of the note, type your 25 random things, tag 25 people (in the right hand corner of the app) then click post.)

1. I hate water. I think I would rather drink paint thinner. I have to add flavour packets to choke it down. The only time that I have ever been able to drink it is after 20 mins or more of cardio and then only tiny bits. Or on a really hot day. That's it.

2. I can't swim. Never learned how. I float most excellently.

3. Oddly enough (after the last two) I love baths. Nothing cures all stress, illness, aches and pains like a nice hot bath with your choice of bubbles/scents.

4. My son and husband are the most important to me. Many people say this, but for us it is the truth.

5. I never wanted to have children. Now that I have my son, I want more (many more, but that is probably not possible)

6. I'm a sensualist. Most of my choices in life are based around how something interacts with one of them.

7. I hate clothes. Most of what I wear is utilitarian and just enough to cover/meet local standards. I don't like shopping for them and other than a few brief periods in my life where a particular garnment has made me feel pretty, I just don't care. I often go for non-restrictive and soft (see #6).

8. I hate socks. I know these too are clothes, but I feel so strongly that this should have it's own number. I am a barefoot person, in all seasons. I put a hot water bottle at the end of the bed at night if I think I might be cold. The only deviation is slippers... I will wear those, but only with bare feet. I love the feeling of sun warmed hardwood, carpet and grass on my feet. (see #6)

9. I love my job. If I won the lottery tomorrow and could quit my job, I wouldn't. I'd probably go part time or casual.

10. I am often puzzled by people's reactions to my job. When people find out I'm a nurse, they have all sorts of bizzare questions for me. When they find out I'm a Mental Health nurse, they smile and shy away. Even our colleagues in other specialties are afraid of us. To answer your question: Yes, I probably am "analyzing" you. But I'm trying really hard not to.

11. I will say that being a Mental Health Nurse has "ruined" a few things for me. I can't watch reality tv, I have a very limited tolerance for stupid behaviour and I can't look at things like Winnie the Pooh the same anymore.

12. I have a china tea cup collection.

13. I love to cook. I love it when I have plenty of time and plenty of room to do it in. I experiment with flavours and sing along to my favourite songs as I do so. (see #6). I love presenting my friends and family with something tasty and have everybody dig in and eat until they are satisfied. I don't like the day to day cooking when it's Thursday and I have 15 mins to figure out what to do with the pork chops.

14. Photography is an addiction with me. I currently have limited time, space and equipment, but I am most definitely hooked. I am especially fond of macro photography and discovering what my lenses can see that I can't.

15. My eyesight is very poor. I am extremely nearsighted and I have a severe astigmatism. I have to rely on the autofocus a lot when I am taking a picture as I am naturally out of focus all the time. I was very excited at the end of high school when they finally developed a contact lens that I could use and I could see 20-20 with. It was like a whole new universe was open to me. I have to wear gas-permeable rigid lenses which are weird and very expensive. I don't have a pair right now and I miss them; it makes things like grocery shopping much harder when you walk down the aisles and everything is a big colourful blur.

16. I like Spring, Summer and Autumn equally. I love the promises of spring and the renewal of life, I love long hot summer days (and nights) and I love the colours and cool nights of fall. I don't like being cold and wish winter was much shorter. Winter, unfortunatly has lost most of it's charm as I have gotten older.

17. My favourite flowers are hyacinths. I'm also quite fond of calla lilies and peonies. I do like roses, but I'm not gaga over them like some poeple.

18. I'm directionally inept. Left in a room, I can't point north. I can read a map and navigate quite well, but I need tools. To get around I use a lot of landmarks and the sun. To quote my husband I have "a compass in my head just like everyone else, but hers is broken and just spins".

19. I like being lost. This meshes well with #18.

20. I really enjoy spending time with my son. He makes every day a discovery. I know he will not like hanging out with his mom forever and that makes this time ever more precious. Having said this, I am also a fan of bedtime.

21. I am the eldest of two. I have one brother, who is four years younger than me. Now that we are adults, we have a very good relationship. That wasn't always the case.

22. I like to get my hands dirty. When I garden I often forgo a trowel for my hands. When I bake I like to get my hands in there to mix. Once again, see #6.

23. My hobbies (when I have time for them) are a quite a mix. I like to fish, make jewelry, read, garden and photography.

24. I love Kraft Dinner. I don't know why either. It is my ultimate comfort food, along with hot chocolate. The hot chocolate is best with Bailey's or preferably Amaretto in it.

25. I did not think I could come up with 25 things.

Jxox

A Mini Update

Quite a few of you are asking for updates on a few items... I figured it would just be easier to post them here.

On the heart front: I'm waiting for the results of all my tests (which will be back in a week or two). Then, as my cardiologist has informed me, he will tell me when I can go back to work. Pretty much his words, actually. I've been poked, prodded and almost passed out on a treadmill twice. I'm still huffing and puffing when I go up the stairs and every morning fluid rattles around my lungs until I get moving. My feet are perpetually cold and although my nails aren't blue, they aren't pink either. My favourite part occurred during my echocardiogram:

Tech: "Oh... Umm... do you have any more tests today?"
Me: "No."
Tech: "Ok... Do you see... [the cardiologist] today?"
Me: "No. Why?"
Tech: "When do you see... [the cardiologist]?"
Me: "In two weeks. Why?"
Tech: "Oh Ok."
[Big silence]

So, that should give me something to obsess over for the next few weeks.

On the sister in law front, the majority of those who took the poll suggested I let karma deal with it, which is pretty much what I did later on in the day. I end ran her by arranging transportation with a friend and informed the brother in law we would be picking it up after nine. Which they did, and kindly installed it in our bedroom (with the brother in law's help I will add). We now have the furniture and I won't be dealing with her again, I can promise you that.

So, that's about it. I'm keeping busy by hugging the stuffing out of my almost three year old son and planning my summer garden.

It's all good...

We're Movin' on Up!

It may not be the east side (it's the northwest side, actually), but we are definitely getting our piece of the pie.

As you well know, we've been looking for a house for quite some time. Shortly after our first one fell through, we found it. Actually, it was one of the 13 that we looked at, but at the time decided it was too expensive. Fate, karma, chaos... whatever it is that rules my life in particular, decided it was the house. We could not get it out of our minds and as soon as our other house fell through, right on cue the price dropped dramatically. It was to be ours.

Now, in the efforts of maintaining some privacy, I'm not going to spill all the goods. What you will be interested in knowing tho', is that it is a two story detached, on a court in a quiet mature neighbourhood. It has a lovely open concept main floor, a kitchen with an island, a walk in closet in the master bedroom and new laminate flooring throughout. The only carpet in fact, is on the stairs, in the basement and in the kids rooms. Even the master bedroom has laminate, which gives the room a bright airy feel to it.

Welcome to our new house.

The garage has been divided laterally in half, creating a mud room and a storage area in front. The basement is fabulous and meant for entertaining... not only is there a beautiful bar, but we also have our own fireplace! This house offers so much, not the least of which is the "move in ready" quality of it. The only room that needs painting will be Quinn's. Right now it's a garish girlie purple. You can be sure that there will be many pics to come of it's coming transformation. He seems to be excited for his new "boys room". His one request, thus far, seems to be "and a pi-wowl [pillow] too Mom, ok?"

The rest of the house is newly painted in colours that I love. I really am looking forward to making this house our home.

The view from the dining room through the french doors to the gazebo deck. No, that is not our furniture. (Like we own anything that looks THAT good! Well, so far.... )

This house promises us so much. After living in apartments for the last 15 years or so, it is a welcome addition to our family. As I've said before, for every new expense, there is one that we're overjoyed to rid ourselves of.

Now comes the hard part. We've been packing for what seems like an eternity now and there is still so much left to pitch/put in a box. We're down to the last week before we get the keys and I must confess, I'm starting to panic a little. I have a write on/wipe off calendar in the kitchen and a giant war room-esque whiteboard in the dining room that maps out our every move over the next two weeks. There are appointments with the lawyer, cleaning days for both residences, painting days for Quinn's room, storage units to empty, boxes to relocate, laundry to do, daycare to go to, new daycare to find, meals to cook and full time hours to work. I also start my new job on Monday. My face looks like I've hit puberty again and half the time I feel like my skin is too tight or that I have a head full of bees. I know this will pass, I know this is just "stress", but to quote Richard Carlson, "stress is nothing more than a socially acceptable form of mental illness". I'm trying to combat my anxiety positively and trying to not eat (too much) junk or lose my patience. I am lucky enough to have colleagues that took some of my shifts the week before the move; I now have that week to settle down and savour the little things... such as creating the "boys room" for my little fella or seeing him run around the backyard with his pals for the first time. Holding the keys in my hand, walking over the threshold into our new home... There are going to be so many moments to cherish. I may need a mood stablilzer to get there, however. :D

It's all good.... really, really good. I just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other. Just for a little while longer...

The Low Down House Huntin' Blues

Buying a house is an ordeal.

Seriously, I'd rather take a full on panel interview for a psych job over this. Just imagine: I am someone that picks brains for a living... put yourself in a room full of professionals doing the same to you to see if you are "worthy". It's daunting, but peanuts compared to this house hunting thing. Throw in a root canal and a GYN exam and you're still not even close.

First you need to assemble your core team: real estate agent, mortgage broker, lawyer. If you're smart, you'll add house inspector to that list. Don't forget the insurance agent either. You'll also need all your ducks in a row, so expect to have to deal with oddball things like Revenue Canada if you're like me and your toddler ate your last notice of assessment.

Then you start looking. We've been regulars on MLS.ca for over two years now, so we thought we had a pretty good idea of what we were looking for. Well we do, but apparently it doesn't exist that often in Brampton. We saw some pretty silly things: an entire yard covered over in deck, "finished basements" with bare concrete floors and some pretty...er... interesting decorating ideas. One of my favourites was lighting fixtures at eye level around the room. That's great for an interrogation chamber, but not so good if I want to hang out in my rec room and watch TV. Oh, and FYI, blobbing a paint-dipped sponge over a wall is NOT a good idea, ok? Especially when you cheap out and use a square one... that leaves square edges and random squirts here and there. It was like a horrific episode of CSI meets Spongebob for heaven's sake. Just say no, ok? Think of the little sponges...

Husband I went to 13 houses in two days. That in itself was pretty crazy, but we found one we liked. It was redone on the main level, had 4 bedrooms, a decent yard and a finished basement. Ok, so the basement was a 70's nightmare, but it could be dealt with. So could the little cosmetic-ish problems here and there. We signed papers, got the mortgage, got everything together and ready to go. We just had to go through the house inspection.

That was yesterday... Three solid hours of feeling my insides twist as I heard things such as "aluminum wiring" and "this vent goes nowhere" and that the a/c was old and full of freon and that the furnace had not been serviced in 10 years. To add insult to injury, the damn stove didn't work! Some people have a funny idea of what "in working order" means... in my world it doesn't mean "two out of four burners... and only the little ones, fatso."

I will say that the $400 bucks I spent on the inspection was worth the price of being able to walk away from $30, 000+ worth of repairs and upgrades. In the meantime however, it's back to the drawing board. I know our new home is out there, we just have to find it... and soon. Just watching my son blissfully roll around on the grass in our friend's yard yesterday was enough to break my heart and hammer that one home all over again.

Once again, amor fati. It's all good..

The Secret Evil Plan, Revealed! (Sort of...)

"Tomorrow's getting harder make no mistake.
Luck ain't even lucky
Got to make your own breaks..."
--Bon Jovi, "It's My Life"

This entry has been a long time coming. It's one that I've written a thousand times off and on in my head... and I must confess that most of it was supposed to go in a different direction than what it has. But, here we are.

I've told my story many times before... I've made no secret about the bad choices that I have made here and there over the years. From ennui to bankruptcy, a failed business venture to a stellar comeback, a breakdown and breakup to building a family together... it's all been quite a ride.

Two years ago, on New Years Eve, The Secret Evil Plan was born. We had to find a way to dig ourselves out of our mess once and for all. Partly financial, partly emotional, partially professional... we had to find a way out of the rut that we were stuck in.

The professional part was easy; I vowed to either start loving my job, or leave it. I accomplished that by transferring to Peel and then moving over to Brampton Civic when it opened. Almost a year later, I'm part of an amazing team of people, have recharged my batteries and have rediscovered my desire to learn. It most certainly has it's moments, but all in all, it has been a good move.

My family is also in dire need of a house: one with a yard in a good neighbourhood where my son can grow up to be a productive member of society. Oh yes, one that we can afford as well. That part is also important. I've talked to many people about this since the creation of The SEP and it never ceases to amaze me how many people a) have seemingly not had to work for everything in their lives and b) how little others seem to understand about life in an apartment, especially with a toddler. I guess it's the circles I travel in, but my goodness, y'all have no idea. A lot of my pay  cheque is wasted on what I call stupid spending, such as buying in small quantities or picking up dinner on the way home. This drives me a little batty, but is the sad reality when you live in an apartment with a nurse. No storage to speak of and a schedule that makes both sides of the clock scream, makes for bad spending choices. Then there's the hauling of the laundry out once a week or so, which adds up very quickly (especially when the little dude needs twice as many clothes as the average kid to go to day care in the first place... his room looks like a store). Our rent is also more than many people's mortgages as well, and for what? Two bedrooms and a livingroom full of toys to trip over. We have to drive across town to get fresh air and to play in a park or in a friend's yard. We have a storage unit on the other side of town that holds some of our stuff. Daily we fight with the elevator, or the stench from the neighbours cooking, the neighbours fighting/partying/building stuff at weird hours... it's all a bit much. We just want a quiet, simpler life.

So, what was the answer?

Simply this: move. Find a town with a Schedule 1 facility that I could work in, find cheaper housing... find a place where my paycheque would go farther and our money would work for us. We did find such a place: Peterborough. My parents relocated to Buckhorn when they retired so we would be closer to them and we would have a little more help with Quinn. They were to open a shiny new hospital in June and since I had participated in one hospital move, I figured I would be more than an asset to their team. Housing is (on average) $50, 000 to 100, 000 cheaper there; we would certainly be able to afford a beautiful home with a decent backyard that I could while away my hours gardening in. There is a university and a college in town... both of us have educational needs that desire fulfillment (not to mention professional obligations in my case). We are also planning on more children, so once #2 came along, Sean was going to happily become Mr. Mom and figure out what he wanted to be when he grew up. The Secret Evil Plan was a dream come true. We would live the good life.

Little by little however, The SEP started to erode. In January I was told that although the new hospital was to open in June, they were not going to expand the Mental Health department until the following January or February. At one point, some admin was actually quoted in the Peterborough paper that they were not going to make "the same mistakes" and would hopefully "avoid the problems of" Brampton Civic. That meant one more year in Brampton. We were depressed, but initally decided to wait it out.

Lately, there have been quite a few signs that if we are not already in a recession, than we are well on the way to one. The banks tightened up lending practices, interest rates are climbing... and hospitals are making more cuts. In some cases, nurses have been laid off. Toronto East and Rouge Valley were the first to cut nurses. In my own hospital, each department has had the budgets cut back, and we are still trying to fill gaping holes in the schedules. Nursing is very cyclical, like the economy and fashion... and right now I fear we are on the downward arc. With this in mind, do I have any business getting a job in another city, moving there and buying a house only to be laid off later as I have no seniority? Where else would I find a job then? Contrary to what my parents think, I can't just go pick up a few hours at a nursing home. In Brampton, I have over six years in with William Osler at this point, which means I can "bump" back to Etobicoke if I need to, or seek employment at the myriad of other hospitals within my reach. We also have Sean's job here.

This pretty much killed the SEP in it's original form. Thus ensued many hours of alcohol consumption, discussion and often flat-out arguing about where the family ship was headed now. We needed a safe harbour. Where else then, but home?

As fate would play it out (as it is too often in my life), once we made the decision to stay, everything just seemed to fall into place. I was searching the MLS at work one night and a co-worker just happened by and gave me the name of a mortgage broker. A friend's mother is a real estate agent. I found some really cool listings at work while trying to stay awake and a friends daughter recommended a lawyer. In fact, this same friend and I saw one house in particular and remember looking at each other and saying "wow" at the same time... I also have a line on an exciting new position in my hospital. It all is coming together.

Yesterday, we closed the deal on our house (yes, at work!). On October 27th (barring a bad inspection), we take possession of our new home in J section. It's close to work, closer to friends and much closer to living the life we want. It's not perfect, it has a grass throw rug for a yard, but it is ours. We bought a house, without help, without chicanery... we did it ourselves.

They say that good things come to those that wait. I can say, that in this case at least, "they" were right for a change.

Amor fati. It's all good..

I has a house!!!