Thursday, July 23, 2009

The Funniest Email in a Long Time

Shout out to Skye for sending me this! I thought I was going to actually fall of the chair laughing.
"This is an actual letter from an Austin woman sent to an American company Proctor and Gamble regarding their feminine products. She really gets rolling after the first paragraph. It's PC Magazine's 2007 editors' choice for best webmail-award-winning letter

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.' Isn't the human body amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customer's monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women.

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants...
Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.'

Are you f------ kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness, is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick freak, there will never be anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local WalMart armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out of your ass man! If you have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or 'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong.'

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullshit.
And that's a promise I will keep. Always.


Wendi Aarons Austin , TX"


Wednesday, July 8, 2009

The Best News All Week

I'm in a little bit of a celebratory mood.

Not only did the surgery go well (and my nose is looking even better than it did yesterday), I got some good news regarding Moley.

On dissection, it was found to be an interdermal nevus, not basal cell carcinoma. So in other words, just a mole. (In the handy little reference I've linked above, it specifically mentions these nevi being mistaken for that type of skin cancer.)

It's a little bit of a happy ending to a stressful couple of weeks.

Still, you should wear your damn sunscreen. :)

Moley, Moley, Moley - Surgery Update - A Stitch In Time - The Best News All Week

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

A Stitch in Time...

Just a few shots of the healing process...

I did a few more self portraits 4 days post-op. You can really see that it has started to heal very nicely

Post-Op Day 4 (Crop)
Day 4 Crop

Post-Op Day 4
Day 4

You can see the marks that the bandages were leaving on my face. I was afraid that the rest of the skin around the site would start to break down, but luckily it did not.

Today I got the stitches out. My surgeon was very pleased with my progress. So am I; I can't believe it's the same nose.

7 Days Post Op - Crop
7 days post-op

Has it been a week already?
Complete with "after work shook out ponytail hair". Please do not feed the hair...

I was advised that none of the "scar reducing creams" would do any good. Instead, I should apply a moisturizer and stimulate the circulation in the area by rubbing it in small circles. Also, to ALWAYS WEAR SUNSCREEN and makeup with an SPF. Roger Wilco, Dr. Ma'am!

It still aches a bit (and having the stitches removed was not pleasant), but I'm glad that it's all over. I'm looking forward to what it will look like in 6 months or so. I'm also looking forward to maybe some pictures of myself with makeup on... Eek!

Moley, Moley, Moley - Surgery Update - A Stitch In Time - The Best News All Week

Monday, July 6, 2009

Drinkin' and Swearin'

I swear a lot.

A fuck of a lot.

Most people swear, I know, but I like to think of myself as a vulgarian. One of the last True Vulgarians. My friend Tracy and I are the last of this dying breed; we string together profanity as naturally as a stoned hippy strings beads. Not many people live in a Cockafuckatropolous, but by god, I do.

I have come by my swearing honestly enough: Dad was an electrician and dabbled a bit with the profanity himself. He once called my brother a "Bastardass" and liked to come out with things like "Holy Jumpin' Syph'd up Christ!" Truly, the genes come from his side. Nursing brought me to a whole new level of profanity. I didn't start using the "C" word (yes, THAT one!) until I became an RN... now I let it fly with an alarming frequency. I used to go into the med room and kick things and swear my head off. Now I have my "own" office. Unfortunately, there is a big window and some of my patients can read lips. Whatfuckingever.

Now I'm a MOM. I tried really hard when he was a baby to tone it down, but I always managed to rationalize it by "he's too little to understand". Now he repeats things like a demented parrot and I'm still trying to clean up my act. The other morning at breakfast was a perfect example. Hubby made Eggs Benny (yay!) and the Hollandaise ladle was there for any takers. Quinn gave it a good go and then offered what was left to his Dad. "Lick it, Daddy!", he said, innocent eyes shining. "Yeah! Lick it up, Bitch!" is what flew out of my mouth.

It hung in the air like a shot duck before it plummeted to the table. Without missing a beat, my son said "Yeah Daddy! Lick IT UP BITCH!!". Yes he did. My darling little cherub, with his eyes still shining, repeated it at the top of his lungs, with the window open. Over and over and OVER again for no kidding, 20 mins.

He already calls Schoolhouse Rock "The Grown Up DVD". When Children's Aid finally comes to the door, I know how this is going to play out... He learned the phrase "lick it up bitch" from Mommy and Daddy and then we all sat down to watch the grown up movie. We're fucked.

I can't drink that much any more, but you better believe that there are days when it calls. Loudly. That's why I was so happy to find my latest addition to my recomended read list: Moms Who Drink and Swear. It started out as a Facebook group (one that I will be as sure-as-shit joining as soon as I get home) and swelled quickly to the monster it is now. It is funny. There are T-shirts.


Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Surgery Update

Yesterday we bid adieu to the lump on my nose.

After almost missing my call in (I was zoned out listening to Dark Side of the Moon), they escorted me into one of the day surgery suites. Everything was going swimmingly... the surgeon drew all over my nose, we chatted... and then she shoved what felt like a tree trunk into my face.

I am no stranger to pain; I live with it daily. For the record, however, having the local anesthetic applied was the worst pain I have ever felt, bar none! Worse than the C section, worse than a tattoo, worse than the kidney stones... combined! When you get hit in the nose, you see stars; I saw through time. It was awful and lasted over a minute and a half. Thank goodness for Lamaze breathing and Bach! She slid the needle under the skin over and over, liposuction style and then jabbed it in my nose in various spots. Yeeeooowch! Once the blessed numbness came, the rest was a cakewalk.

I had a moist towel over my eyes to protect them from the light. It slipped a bit over my right eye, so I got to see most of the surgery. I chose to avoid the mole removal part, but was facsinated by the repositioning of bits of flesh to patch the hole. It was amazing to watch her needle flash as she created what is currently Franken-nose.

Up Close and Personal
One day post-op. I dare you to post your blackheads on the internet...

I was out and down in MHESU calling home in less than 45 mins. Truly amazing. I was sporting (and will be for a while) one of those four-prong knuckle bandages on my nose. That's it.

I tried to take a few more raw self portraits this morning, if only for the sake of documentary. It was a bit challenging as my smile is still crooked due to the swelling (that, and I have yucky morning hair).

The Harsh Light of Morning...  :)
Ahhh... The harsh light of morning...

I go back to work tonight... so it should be interesting to see the reactions to the giant bandage on my nose. The official story is "bar fight". I may use "Pier six brawl" or "slobberknocker" as well.

Grrr! (The obligatory shot...)

I'm to keep Polysporin (and a bandage if I wish) on it until I see her next Tuesday to get the stitches out. It still aches a bit, but haven't taken any pain meds since last night. I'm sure I'll tuck my T3's into my purse for tonight, just in case. With any luck, it will be a quiet night.

Or at least, I won't get hit in the face...

Moley, Moley, Moley - Surgery Update - A Stitch In Time - The Best News All Week