Monday, March 30, 2009

Comfort Levels

Been a while.

It hasn't been for lack of trying either... I've just been in one of those ruts lately where I slow down for a minute to catch my breath and what pops into my head really isn't worth repeating, especially in mixed company. Life, well, it's been a little too interesting lately to be comfortable.

I'm not one of those people that has to have everything tightly compartmentalized; those people tend to go down like the Titanic with every little bump. I usually try to go with the flow. However, when aspects from my life (or rather a relatives life) start spilling into my work life, it tends to make things more than a little uncomfortable. That generally causes my work life to overflow into my home life again and it becomes quite a vicious circle. There has been much consternation as of late... sleep has been lost, doughnuts have been consumed... its been a mess.

There always has to be one of those moments that comes so out of the blue, it leaves you scratching your head. (Why is that?) Mine came in the form of a paranoid former colleague (and supposed friend) who gave me a verbal spanking for attempting to do my job (my mistake, evidently was using it as an excuse to chat up old "friends"). I'm not going to pretend to understand where this person is coming from, and to be honest am not interested in doing so. I just know that her little diatribe really hurt my feelings... but, if the truth be told I shouldn't be surprised. If you keep a vicious old dog, one day it will bite you.

One can't overlook the usual suspects as well: fatigue, lack of money, unpacking woes, family stress... it all adds up. I talk to so many people in a day and am the bearer of so much information that I feel cluttered. It's as if all that energy sticks to me like velcro and weighs me down. I can feel it as I walk, like I'm covered in a million post-it notes. You can almost see them flapping in the breeze some days, I swear. It's an awful feeling, one that makes me quite isolative.

To keep the boogums at bay (and it has been a dreadfully long winter), I've been finding much solace in my garden planning. Although I don't have a lot of money at the moment, I'm also spending a lot of time online looking for pieces/solutions/stuff for the house. This has really helped, actually, as I can now budget and plan for these purchases and I know I have just the right thing, instead of picking something up and finding a better one down the road. Its just having the patience to save up for it. I've found a third project to round things out a bit: Quinn's birthday party. Since I may have only a few minutes a day to think about these things, I've taken to carrying a soft covered binder with me; my "project book". That way, if I come up with something while I'm at work, I can jot it down for later or spend a few moments of my "break" time contemplating something organized. That helps tremendously with that cluttered feeling.

Things are brightening over all, however. Every day seems a little better, as the days are longer and warmer. I went out into my garden on Saturday and was delighted to see little green things poking through the soil. I have no idea what will grow in the existing gardens this year, so its a bit like Christmas... but without the eye tic. The air is fresher and full of promise and my lawn is greener every day. I have a brand new leaf rake and some pruners. The first warm day this week, when the grass is not too wet and I'm not working that night, you'll find me in the yard, raking and pruning. That will go a long way to shake the "psychic clutter" that I've accumulated lately as well. Physically I'm much improved; I now am only out of breath when I go from the basement to the top floor. That was a big milestone. I'm also a few pounds lighter, and plan to be much more so in the coming months.

The trick, as always, is in the balance.

Now, if I can only find something to help me cope with all this salad...

1 comment:

2D Girl said...

Feeling the psychic clutter, carrying around a 'project book' - these are Sag things. My mom is the same as you and I in this department.