On Mother's Day

My Mother's Day started like any other day, to the sound of at least one baby crying. Now, as it is the weekend, I've let their schedule slide a little bit which gave me a few extra hours sleep going into Saturday. Last night they decided to take that back; this morning was not greeted as happily as the one before.

Over the course of today, I've received: 1 handmade card (from Quinn), 1 decorated cup full of dirt (that I am assured that a seed lives in), 1 handmade necklace (also from Quinn), and three commercial cards (one from each of the twins and one from Sean). We had to forgo the usual brunch as my husband has been suffering from a migraine all day... which was a bit worrysome as he does not get migraines. The day has progressed like any other day otherwise; dishes, laundry, babies. Meh.

Speaking of babies, both are doing very well after their excellent medical adventures. We were at the pediatrician 2 weeks ago and they had gained a whole pound each. By last week, they had gained another pound, which puts Zoe over 8 lbs and Wyatt close to 9. Wyatt has actually made the growth chart. Hooray!

Last Monday saw us heading to the Family MD after a trip to the polls. All three kids were due for shots. Zoe cried real tears after her needles (one in each thigh) and Wyatt almost turned blue after his... and Mommy was not far behind. Quinn too needed a jab and he took his like a trooper. He had to: Mommy quietly restrained him for the shot. Everybody got Tylenol and a couple of hours later no one was the worse for wear. Including Mommy.

No more ouchies pweeze.

Tuesday was a trip in the rain to Wyatt's cardiologist. They had called us the day before stating that there was an opening and they wanted to sedate him for his test (presumedly for a trans-esophogeal). Needless to say, between the 5 year old, the weather and Brampton Transit, we were very late and had to forgo the sedation (not that I minded terribly about that either). Instead, they did a regular echo and were very pleased to note that the ventricular aspect of his Atrioventricular Septal Defect has in fact narrowed significantly. On top of it, there is a significant amount of occlusion, meaning that part of the hole is mainly blocked. He therefore does not have the gross mixing of blood from the left to the right side, which means it is not overloading his lungs and, as we speak, is mainly asymptomatic. He will still need surgery eventually, but I am very happy to report that it can be held off until he is approximately 3 or 4 years of age. That is fantastic news. It allows his heart (and him) to grow and makes the surgery that much easier for everyone. Especially Wyatt.

Yay for me!

As for his Down Syndrome... well, to this humble, non-expert, he doesn't look that far behind his sister and most of that (to me) can be chalked up to him being a boy. He does have more variety in his vocalizations, when he uses them. He's more active as well (when he is awake); he can wiggle across the crib to Zoe. I'm pretty sure she can do the same, but she's too busy yelling. I've connected with Infant Development of Peel, so we're now on the waiting list for resources.

Next on our list of specialist appointments for Wyatt will be an ENT (Ear, Nose and Throat) and an opthamologist, all within the next month or so. The appointments have settled down to part-time status, which is a blessing too. Getting these kids out the door is a major manoeuvre; the planning, the anticipating, the preparations, the packing, the equipment... I swear, it would be easier to annex a small country. I had a Region of Peel nurse through here not too long ago and she was amazed at my "organization". I told her it was do or die, and she laughed. She's the mother of twins as well, which left me scratching my head a bit. But, it was nice to know that the cheese hasn't totally slid off my cracker. It's been pretty close some days...

It's the little things that are keeping me sane these days, I think. Well, I'm not totally sure, it could be the chocolate, so that excuse is as good as any. ;) I received a 1 TB (Terrabyte) drive for Christmas and recently I've been archiving all my photography, etc. I've also been archiving my writing, especially since I stopped by my MSN Page on Quinn's birthday and found it deleted. After that little heart attack/discovery, I set up an account with WordPress and have slowly been moving things over. As an interesting footnote here, there were quite a few pieces that I thought lost forever. I took a chance and relit the fuse on an old dispute with Facebook. It only took a few emails, but I got my original profile reinstated. I was delighted (but also a little disturbed) to see most of my stuff still as I had left it, three years prior. It had switched over to the new format but all the rest was the same. I picked off what I could and then reposted them on the WordPress Archives (and then deactivated the account). We shall see... I like the layout and interface there better, however I can (and am) importing posts from my Blogger account. I guess only time will tell. I gave it a facelift as well as it looked a little crappy compared to the WordPress design. I'm also undecided how to post to Facebook... The RSS feed is flaky (see dispute link above) and it's already given me trouble today. I may just have use an old fashioned cut+paste...

I hope everyone had a Happy Mother's Day. Mine, like most days, had its moments of supreme joy and moments where I wanted to stab myself in the face*. It's the hardest job in the world... but I wouldn't trade it in for anything. Even chocolate.

Quinn and Zoe (in a rare, non screaming moment)

Quinn and Wyatt

*Note: a turn of phrase, not an actual desire. Please, you don't have to call the experts, which would be me anyway, so relax. Really...

But, but, but...

I have been a very, very bad blogger.

Well, to be fair, it's not that I have not been writing. Unfortunately what I have been writing has largely been, up until now, highly personal and therefore relegated to my Facebook page only. Since time has moved on and life has stabilized itself a bit, I'm a little more open to sharing my "baby business". Yes Mr. Toad, it has been a wild ride.

("It Only Hurts When I Breathe", the first entry details a little about the pregnancy...)

In order to keep things, well, in order, I'll repost my Facebook notes here. Then I'll start updating here again in the future.

One last little bit of business: MSN has deleted my page. I went there on Quinns 5th (!) birthday to re-read his birth story and it was gone. I went searching for the writings I had lost and could not find them which needless to say, upset me a bit. I'm not about to win any awards any time soon, but there were a few pieces there that I wanted to hang on to. Way back when I moved here, it was due to FB deactivating my profile. Well, THREE years later, I won that appeal and got them to reactivate it; at which point I immediately extracted my blog entries, the very thing that got me bann-in-ated in the first place. I then quickly set up a WordPress account (I guess what MSN pages were consumed by) and starting re-posting them there. I've updated the links column here as well, so everything should work now. I don't know why things have to be so difficult, but anyway...

Jxox

PsychoJenic Archives

Drinkin' and Swearin'

I swear a lot.

A fuck of a lot.

Most people swear, I know, but I like to think of myself as a vulgarian. One of the last True Vulgarians. My friend Tracy and I are the last of this dying breed; we string together profanity as naturally as a stoned hippy strings beads. Not many people live in a Cockafuckatropolous, but by god, I do.

I have come by my swearing honestly enough: Dad was an electrician and dabbled a bit with the profanity himself. He once called my brother a "Bastardass" and liked to come out with things like "Holy Jumpin' Syph'd up Christ!" Truly, the genes come from his side. Nursing brought me to a whole new level of profanity. I didn't start using the "C" word (yes, THAT one!) until I became an RN... now I let it fly with an alarming frequency. I used to go into the med room and kick things and swear my head off. Now I have my "own" office. Unfortunately, there is a big window and some of my patients can read lips. Whatfuckingever.

Now I'm a MOM. I tried really hard when he was a baby to tone it down, but I always managed to rationalize it by "he's too little to understand". Now he repeats things like a demented parrot and I'm still trying to clean up my act. The other morning at breakfast was a perfect example. Hubby made Eggs Benny (yay!) and the Hollandaise ladle was there for any takers. Quinn gave it a good go and then offered what was left to his Dad. "Lick it, Daddy!", he said, innocent eyes shining. "Yeah! Lick it up, Bitch!" is what flew out of my mouth.

It hung in the air like a shot duck before it plummeted to the table. Without missing a beat, my son said "Yeah Daddy! Lick IT UP BITCH!!". Yes he did. My darling little cherub, with his eyes still shining, repeated it at the top of his lungs, with the window open. Over and over and OVER again for no kidding, 20 mins.

He already calls Schoolhouse Rock "The Grown Up DVD". When Children's Aid finally comes to the door, I know how this is going to play out... He learned the phrase "lick it up bitch" from Mommy and Daddy and then we all sat down to watch the grown up movie. We're fucked.

I can't drink that much any more, but you better believe that there are days when it calls. Loudly. That's why I was so happy to find my latest addition to my recomended read list: Moms Who Drink and Swear. It started out as a Facebook group (one that I will be as sure-as-shit joining as soon as I get home) and swelled quickly to the monster it is now. It is funny. There are T-shirts.

Fuckin'-A.

25 Random Things About Me

(For Facebook)

Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you.

(To do this, go to "notes" under tabs on your profile page, paste these instructions in the body of the note, type your 25 random things, tag 25 people (in the right hand corner of the app) then click post.)

1. I hate water. I think I would rather drink paint thinner. I have to add flavour packets to choke it down. The only time that I have ever been able to drink it is after 20 mins or more of cardio and then only tiny bits. Or on a really hot day. That's it.

2. I can't swim. Never learned how. I float most excellently.

3. Oddly enough (after the last two) I love baths. Nothing cures all stress, illness, aches and pains like a nice hot bath with your choice of bubbles/scents.

4. My son and husband are the most important to me. Many people say this, but for us it is the truth.

5. I never wanted to have children. Now that I have my son, I want more (many more, but that is probably not possible)

6. I'm a sensualist. Most of my choices in life are based around how something interacts with one of them.

7. I hate clothes. Most of what I wear is utilitarian and just enough to cover/meet local standards. I don't like shopping for them and other than a few brief periods in my life where a particular garnment has made me feel pretty, I just don't care. I often go for non-restrictive and soft (see #6).

8. I hate socks. I know these too are clothes, but I feel so strongly that this should have it's own number. I am a barefoot person, in all seasons. I put a hot water bottle at the end of the bed at night if I think I might be cold. The only deviation is slippers... I will wear those, but only with bare feet. I love the feeling of sun warmed hardwood, carpet and grass on my feet. (see #6)

9. I love my job. If I won the lottery tomorrow and could quit my job, I wouldn't. I'd probably go part time or casual.

10. I am often puzzled by people's reactions to my job. When people find out I'm a nurse, they have all sorts of bizzare questions for me. When they find out I'm a Mental Health nurse, they smile and shy away. Even our colleagues in other specialties are afraid of us. To answer your question: Yes, I probably am "analyzing" you. But I'm trying really hard not to.

11. I will say that being a Mental Health Nurse has "ruined" a few things for me. I can't watch reality tv, I have a very limited tolerance for stupid behaviour and I can't look at things like Winnie the Pooh the same anymore.

12. I have a china tea cup collection.

13. I love to cook. I love it when I have plenty of time and plenty of room to do it in. I experiment with flavours and sing along to my favourite songs as I do so. (see #6). I love presenting my friends and family with something tasty and have everybody dig in and eat until they are satisfied. I don't like the day to day cooking when it's Thursday and I have 15 mins to figure out what to do with the pork chops.

14. Photography is an addiction with me. I currently have limited time, space and equipment, but I am most definitely hooked. I am especially fond of macro photography and discovering what my lenses can see that I can't.

15. My eyesight is very poor. I am extremely nearsighted and I have a severe astigmatism. I have to rely on the autofocus a lot when I am taking a picture as I am naturally out of focus all the time. I was very excited at the end of high school when they finally developed a contact lens that I could use and I could see 20-20 with. It was like a whole new universe was open to me. I have to wear gas-permeable rigid lenses which are weird and very expensive. I don't have a pair right now and I miss them; it makes things like grocery shopping much harder when you walk down the aisles and everything is a big colourful blur.

16. I like Spring, Summer and Autumn equally. I love the promises of spring and the renewal of life, I love long hot summer days (and nights) and I love the colours and cool nights of fall. I don't like being cold and wish winter was much shorter. Winter, unfortunatly has lost most of it's charm as I have gotten older.

17. My favourite flowers are hyacinths. I'm also quite fond of calla lilies and peonies. I do like roses, but I'm not gaga over them like some poeple.

18. I'm directionally inept. Left in a room, I can't point north. I can read a map and navigate quite well, but I need tools. To get around I use a lot of landmarks and the sun. To quote my husband I have "a compass in my head just like everyone else, but hers is broken and just spins".

19. I like being lost. This meshes well with #18.

20. I really enjoy spending time with my son. He makes every day a discovery. I know he will not like hanging out with his mom forever and that makes this time ever more precious. Having said this, I am also a fan of bedtime.

21. I am the eldest of two. I have one brother, who is four years younger than me. Now that we are adults, we have a very good relationship. That wasn't always the case.

22. I like to get my hands dirty. When I garden I often forgo a trowel for my hands. When I bake I like to get my hands in there to mix. Once again, see #6.

23. My hobbies (when I have time for them) are a quite a mix. I like to fish, make jewelry, read, garden and photography.

24. I love Kraft Dinner. I don't know why either. It is my ultimate comfort food, along with hot chocolate. The hot chocolate is best with Bailey's or preferably Amaretto in it.

25. I did not think I could come up with 25 things.

Jxox

Anniversaries and New Beginnings

Today is an anniversary of sorts. One that I would be a complete fraud for not acknowledging.

Three years ago today, I quit smoking. This may not sound like such a big deal, but previous to this, I had tried everything... The Patch, Zyban, The Gum, self-hypnosis, cold turkey... even aromatherapy. I would quit for a few weeks and then work would get busy or I'd go out or indulge in one of my other vices and the damn monkey would be back.

I quit. For good.

On this same day, three years ago, I also quit being completely irresponsible. My drinking, my partying... By day I taught others how to get their shit together while my chest had a hole in it so big that nothing could stop the wind from howling through... no matter how much crap I poured in there. Again, I'd swear off time and again, I'd clean up my act just to blow it the next weekend or the next day off. I'd blame my stressful job, my upbringing, my health, my failed marriage, my failed life. In the end, it was all me.

I accepted limitations, I gave up bad habits, I made promises to the few extra surprise cells in my abdomen. I took on the worst patient I've ever met: Me.

Within two months, I was no longer alone and was able to see my future lay itself out in front of me.

Happy Anniversary, to me... and to my son. The centre of my little universe.

----------------------------

There is something to be said for fresh starts.

As you all know by now, Facebook canned me for "spamming". I have yet to hear from them in anything more than an auto-reply fashion; I've just given up.

Today I started a new account. Come play.



----------------------------

Finally, the last tidbit... I have had to completely overhaul The Secret Evil Plan. There are so many changes possible in the next few months... I'll give more details as they unfold.

Much to ponder... much to decide. Rest assured, gentle reader, I am keeping my head down and putting one foot in front of the other.

Jxox

Small Comforts

Hi All,

After another day of flaky power and water (and the accompanying discomforts each of these provide), I'm glad to say that I've had more important things to worry about than my banishment from Facebook.

In the last few days, I've been doing some looking around. It seems there are many people out there who have angered the FB gods... and many people that are just as confused as I am.

Here is an interesting article called "13 Reasons Your Facebook Account Will Be Disabled". Some of the comments below are almost as informative.

For the more paranoid of you, here's something you might want to watch as well.

I'm still waiting... but not holding my breath.

Off to the tub...

Detox

I'm a hurtin' unit.

It's been over 5 days now since my last fix. Five looooong, tortuous days.

The first day was the worst... I was irritable, jittery and generally impossible to talk to. The second day was a little better, but day three brought on the twins: despair and black depression. I think I even felt a little nauseous.

At this point I've almost lost hope.

Of course, I'm referring to my Facebook addiction...

My supply of mindless fun has dried up and it's left me jonesing. After over a year and a half of persistant use, I've suddenly gone cold turkey. No more Scrabulous, no more poking... no more birthday wishes, no more virtual drinks... no more high fiving my colleagues for a good call or save... nada. No longer can I get a glimpse into others lives via status updates. No more riding a voyeurism high, one line at at time.

As I stated earlier, This was not MY idea, but theirs. I've been labelled a spammer, a low life... Someone to be shunned at all costs. So much so, no one has answered my numerous emails apologising for my errors and begging for forgiveness. The Facebook pushers are a cruel bunch; the've let me get hooked and cut off my supply. I'm not even sure who I should be whoring myself to at this point.

One day at a time, I guess...

Alone in the Fog... oh, how Histrionic...

Inaugural Ramblings

First of all, gentle reader, welcome to my new home.

I have moved my musings to Blogger for quite a few reasons, the least of which is my current misunderstanding with Facebook. I'll get into that a bit later... I'm hoping tho', that by keeping my blogs here and by archiving my photos at Flickr, I'll save some archiving time and energy that could be spent elsewhere.

I've been at MSN Spaces since December 2004 and to be honest, I'm more than due for a change. To be fair, they have kept up with the times for the most part, adding features here and there... but I can't access it from work (I do have break time, folks...) and I'm updating it with my photography as well as updating Flickr every time I upload new pix. Then there is changing links and updates on entries and ugh! Too much! I'm trying to simplify my life these days, so from now on, blogs will be here, photographs will be on my Flickr profile.

-------------------------------------

Now for my little Facebook problem...

When I joined Facebook, I had my blog entries syndicated through the RSS feed to my Notes; that way any of my interested friends could keep up to date with what I was on about at any given time. With the new format, I guess there have been some security updates... specifically scripts (I'm assuming...) that check for usage of features. Since the RSS from Spaces was wonky at best (remember all the double photo album entries that really didn't work?) I guess it did not like updating from my blog and triggered some alarm somewhere that got me warned and blocked from making notes for 24 hours for my so called spamming activities. Once I got unblocked, I tried to rectify the situation... and promptly got my profile disabled. Now, when I try to log on, I get this:

"Your account has been disabled by an administrator. If you have any questions or concerns, you can visit our FAQ page here."

Of course, when you click on "Why?", you get this:

"Facebook enforces limits on the site in order to prevent certain actions that can be considered abusive. Your account has been disabled for persistent and rapid use of a certain feature. Unfortunately, for security reasons, we will not be able to further explain these limits."

and,

"Facebook has limits in place to prevent abuse of our features and to protect users from potential spam."

and

"Unfortunately, Facebook cannot provide any specifics on the rate limits that we enforce. Please know, however, that the speed at which you are acting and the sheer number of actions you have made are both taken into account."

Er, yeah...

So, by updating my blog with their defective softwear, I now have to plead to them via email to the "appeals" department to reinstate my account. All because I tripped some security feature protecting all of you from my Mommy ramblings and pretty flowers; a security feature that they cannot tell me about, nor can they tell me how not to activate it in the future. I really had to hunt for the contact email as well... not fun.

The sad part about all of this is that there are many friends that I only communicate with on Facebook... friends that I have lost touch with over time and just found and re-connected with again. I'm hoping a few of them will catch up with me again...

-------------------------------------

In any event, here I am. It's going to be a while before I get used to my new space here... please be patient as I move the furniture around and try to hang a few pictures. Rest assured, gentle reader, the door is still always open, the light is always on... and PsychoJenic is always in.



“Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow.”--Mary Anne Radmacher

Peace, Love and Lipgloss,
Jxox